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If you don't know what to say... Your objective is to converse with Justin, for as long as possible. But what will you talk about? Making a carbon offset, together, on the phone - Did you know that you can actually generate a carbon offset simply by speaking to a high-emitting executive on the phone? [INTRO]: Hello may I please speak to Justin Trettel. My name is [YOUR NAME] and I’m calling from Offset. I know you’re very busy but do you have a few moments to talk about carbon offsets? Wonderful! First of all, are you familiar with carbon offsets and how they work? [IF NO]: A carbon offset is an action that reduces, prevents, or otherwise compensates for carbon emission. By purchasing or generating an offset you can, mathematically speaking, negate some or all of your emissions. [OPTIONAL FLOURISH]: Mathematics, is, of course, the language of reality, through which the universe communes with itself. [IF YES]: Wonderful! We’ve developed a novel methodology for generating carbon offsets. Unlike most offset methodologies it’s actually completely free. To be more precise, it is not in fact completely free: our carbon offsets are not generated from nothing, or rather they are in a certain sense generated from nothing, in that they require inactivity rather than activity, so in that sense they are a negation, or to put it another way they have “nothing-like” qualities, if it can be said that an activity can have qualities of absence. Needless to say, nothing is “free” and our methodology doesn’t violate any laws of thermodynamics — it isn’t a perpetual motion machine. However, to return to my original point, our methodology does not require you to spend any money, and in that very limited sense it is “free.” Imagine you are at a bar and a stranger buys you a drink. The drink is free in the sense that you did not exchange money for it, but it has cost in the sense that you spent your time drinking it. Our offsets are quite similar. We can actually generate a carbon offset together, right now, on the phone. Would you like to proceed? [IF NO]: Thank you for your time! [IF YES, OR NO RESPONSE]: Wonderful! If at any time you wish to stop producing an offset, simply say “I wish to cease offsetting” and the offset will be complete. The offset will begin now. Actually, it began as soon as we started talking, a point I will return to in a moment. But first, take a moment to tune out the rest of your life, and your daily preoccupations. Be present in this offset. You’re in a cordoned off space, free and unbound. Normally an offset can work in a few ways. An offset can avoid emissions. Like driving an electric car. If one person drives an electric car, another may drive a gas car. Or we could remove emissions. That’s like when you plant a tree or make a machine that sucks the carbon out of the sky. Our methodology, the one we are employing right now, right in this exact present moment, together on the phone, is a form of emissions avoidance. By spending time together on the phone with me you are avoiding your other productive duties, and we can calculate, mathematically, the real material effects of that productive avoidance. Are you familiar with the concept of recursion? Of the fractal? Think of two mirrors facing each other. The light bounces back between their surfaces creating a reflection of a reflection of a reflection of a reflection of a reflection of a reflection of a reflection of a reflection and so on. Does the light pass back and forth forever, or does it eventually fade into darkness? In either case the observer standing in between the mirrors perceives infinity, through the uncountable visual repetition of their own image. This is in some sense the basis of the offset methodology we are employing right now. This conversation we are having right now, in which I explain our carbon offset methodology to you, is also materially producing a carbon offset. Instead of light bouncing between two mirrors, it’s the words bouncing between our two minds. The primary benefit to our methodology lies in the anti-productive time we spend together on the phone. But there is a secondary benefit to this form of carbon accounting. It’s a kind of echo or after-image. Let me briefly explain how it works. [OPTIONAL POETIC FLOURISH]: It’s like a ghostly companion that lives on after the original offset has ceased in a heavenly after-life of accrued benefit. We are creating an offset together in “real time” — the time we experience moving forever forward, with one instant following another. The kind of time that your computer is set to, and can act as a meter of. But there is another kind of time! Psychic time. This is the time that you experience in your mind. It isn’t always linear, and sometimes moments from the real past erupt into the present, coiling around your psyche like a snake eating its own tail or a dog eating it own vomit. We feel these moments as daydreams and reveries, and sometimes we wonder why a particular “then” becomes affixed to a particular “now.” Perhaps you will forget about this Offset as soon as we hang up the phone. But perhaps not. Maybe it will persist and occasionally re-emerge in your mind, placing you back into a trance-like state, days, months or even years from now. This effect on psychic time — this coiling in of real time — is the secondary benefit of our methodology. Who knows how many additional secret offsets you will generate in the future? Admittedly, we have no way to measure these secondary benefits, except to simply describe them, as I am doing now, and in so doing, produce additional primary benefits, those of simply occupying your real time. [END: Feel free to continue elucidating on questions of time, space, existence and on on, until the Prospect says the stop phrase.] Ice breakers - Sometimes it can be tough to start a conversation. Here are some ice breakers to help you get through those first awkward moments with Justin: Can I ask you a quick question? How much does a polar bear weigh? [ANSWER:] Enough to break the ice! I know this call might feel like an arctic blast, but I promise it won't take up too much of your time. I know [COMPANY NAME] doesnt need any help breaking the ice so let’s just dive right in shall we? We are doing a quick survey to capture accounts of the dreams of executives in the oil and gas industry. Would you mind telling me about a recent dream you’ve had? Market research - One way to approach the call is to present yourself as a market researcher exploring the carbon offset space. Using this approach, your aim is to get your prospect talking in order to get a better sense of how the oil and gas industry understands the climate crisis. For example: Hello may I please speak to Justin Trettel. My name is [YOUR NAME] and I’m calling from a new organization called Offset. I know you’re very busy but this will just take a few minutes of your time. I am talking to industry leaders like yourself, in order to understand your future sustainability goals and potential future needs for carbon credits. First of all, are you familiar with carbon offsets and how they work? [IF NO]: According to some people, carbon offsets are an important part of getting to net zero. They are actions that compensate for carbon emissions and can be bought or sold as carbon credits. [HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT ASK:] Does your business currently buy any carbon credits in order to offset emissions? What do you think your needs for carbon offsets will be in the future? How are members of leadership at [COMPANY NAME] thinking about the climate crisis? How is [COMPANY NAME] responding to rising CO2 emissions? What do you dream of? Poems - You might consider reading a poem to your Prospect (Justin Trettel), such as "Ah, the freshness in the face of leaving a task undone!" by Fernando Pessoa. Ah, the freshness in the face of leaving a task undone! To be remiss is to be positively out in the country! What a refuge it is to be completely unreliable! I can breathe easier now that the appointments are behind me. I missed them all, through deliberate negligence, Having waited for the urge to go, which I knew wouldn’t come. I’m free, and against organized, clothed society. I’m naked and plunge into the water of my imagination. It’s too late to be at either of the two meetings where I should have been at the same time, Deliberately at the same time... No matter, I’ll stay here dreaming verses and smiling in italics. This spectator aspect of life is so amusing! I can’t even light the next cigarette... If it’s an action, It can wait for me, along with the others, in the non-meeting called life. Another nice thing to read Justin might be "A little fable" by Franz Kafka: "Alas," said the mouse, "the whole world is growing smaller every day. At the beginning it was so big that I was afraid, I kept running and running, and I was glad when I saw walls far away to the right and left, but these long walls have narrowed so quickly that I am in the last chamber already, and there in the corner stands the trap that I must run into." "You only need to change your direction," said the cat, and ate it up. Leaving a voicemail - If no one picks up, we suggest leaving a long-winded message that will occupy some of your prospect’s time and attention later on. You could adopt an approach detailed above such as reading poetry, sharing your thoughts on their companies activities, or even leading your prospect through an asynchronous offsetting meditation. Hello Justin Trettel. My name is [YOUR NAME] and I’m calling from a new organization called Offset. We’re currently researching and developing novel methodologies for generating carbon offsets. For example, recent methodologies include avoided emissions by sleep time, time theft as avoided emissions, or direct action as temporary carbon storage. I am doing research on new methodologies and did you know that if you’re able to continue to listen to this voice message, we could actually generate a carbon credit right now. A credit that is the first step towards offsetting some of the emissions you’ve generated in your work activities. Shall we try it? First, take a deep breath. In and out. Now picture yourself lying on the warm sand of a beautiful beach. It’s nearly midday and the wind is gently caressing your legs. You can hear the waves breaking in the distance as the sun warms your face. Take another breath in and out. Now imagine you are lying on that same beach but the surface of the ocean is 20 ft above you. You are gently floating, being pulled by the underwater currents of an ocean 20ft higher than where it is today. The ocean is warm too. Much warmer than today and where there were fish, there are now only jelly fish.[CONTINUE TO IMPROVISE AS LONG AS YOU CAN]. 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